


Cracked and Shattered

by benicemurphy



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Not Epilogue Compliant, Not Season/Series 08 Compliant, Past Rape/Non-con, Self-Esteem Issues, Trauma, in-depth discussion of trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:55:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22442152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/benicemurphy/pseuds/benicemurphy
Summary: It’s been months since Keith left on his most recent mission, and Shiro has big plans to take their relationship from platonic to romantic now that he’s coming home. The problem is, Keith doesn’t seem to want anything to do with him anymore.
Relationships: Keith/Shiro (Voltron)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 143





	Cracked and Shattered

**Author's Note:**

> **CONTENT NOTE:** The rape/non-con elements in this fic happen offscreen and in the past. The conflict in this fic is Keith’s reaction to what happened and how he is dealing with his trauma. It will be discussed in the context of Keith’s behavior and view of himself, but the event itself will not be talked about in detail.
> 
> Thank you to my amazing bang partner, [Sam](https://twitter.com/CuriouslyArting), who made the absolutely gorgeous art for this fic! I was so happy to work with them and am so happy with the result! See/RT the original [here](https://twitter.com/CuriouslyArting/status/1226268381290123271?s=20)!

Shiro should have realized what was going on as soon as Keith touched down from his mission. He was waiting eagerly in the hangar to welcome home his best friend, as he always did when Keith was away for long stretches of time. It felt different this time. Something had been brewing between them for a while now, and during the months Keith was gone, Shiro had come to a conclusion: he was ready to take the next step. It was time to solidify their relationship and show Keith how much he truly loved him and wanted to be a part of his life.

The ship docked, and the door slid open. Kolivan was the first out, followed by two other Blades with whom Shiro wasn’t as familiar. Krolia exited shortly after. Keith was the last to deboard with a subdued Kosmo at his side.

He looked tired, nearly dead on his feet, but Shiro was happy to take him home and spoil him while he rested if that was what he wanted. His heart leapt at the sight of him, just like it always did, and he could barely stop himself from stalking straight toward him the second his feet touched the ground. So Shiro waited, but he didn’t try to conceal his giddy grin at seeing Keith again. He didn’t care if his feelings were written plainly on his face; soon, hopefully, he would be able to proudly tell the world about Keith, not as his best friend or his former mentee or a Blade Leader, but as his partner.

Keith made his way over to Shiro slowly. His posture wasn’t as rigid and assured as usual, but Shiro figured that was pretty normal after returning from an intense, stressful mission spanning a number of months. They had spoken a lot in the beginning, but as issues in their sector grew tenser and more dangerous, they’d had to cut back on their communications. The last time Shiro had spoken to him was about a week ago, and since then all communication had been lost until Atlas received the transmission just twelve hours earlier that they were on their way back, mission completed.

As soon as Keith was within arm’s reach, Shiro didn’t hesitate to pull him into a tight hug. God, he had missed him, and it felt so good to have him in his arms like this. It took him probably too long to realize that Keith was stiff in his arms; he didn’t so much as return the embrace and seemed to barely stand Shiro’s touch. It stung.

He let go immediately and pulled back. Was it something he’d done? He thought back to their conversations during their time apart and couldn’t pinpoint anything that might have gone wrong. In fact, up until they lost contact a week ago, things had actually been great, as far as Shiro could tell.

It was possible that maybe Keith just wasn’t used to touch after so much time out of each other’s orbit, but they had gone much longer than that before and had always been happy to see each other after.

“Are you okay?” He searched Keith’s face for some kind of answer, but Keith was completely closed off.

“Fine,” Keith sighed. “Just tired.”

Shiro nodded. “Yeah, of course. Do you wanna come back to my place? I have ice cream sandwiches and a great bathtub.” He smiled encouragingly, hoping to make it clear to Keith that he wanted to be there for him and help soothe whatever was hurting him. And, selfishly, he wanted to find a way to make Keith open up again. Whatever happened, Shiro wanted to be the person he turned to.

Keith took a step back, away from Shiro. “That’s okay,” he murmured. “I’m just gonna head back to my room.” With that, he reached for his wolf and was gone before Shiro could even say goodbye.

He stood watching the spot where Keith had just been, hurt and confused by the less-than-warm greeting. It’s fine, he told himself. He just needs some time. But the longer he waited for Keith to reach out, the more distraught he became.

No matter how hard he tried, Shiro couldn’t quell the panic building inside him.

________________

Although Keith looked better in the days to come, he still held Shiro at arms’ length — metaphorically, of course, since Keith hadn’t let Shiro (or anyone, for that matter) touch him since he’d returned to Earth.

They had managed to eat a few meals together, but Keith was unusually quiet. It worried Shiro a lot. He remembered what Keith was like when he had first joined the Garrison. He had been quiet, withdrawn, prickly, uncomfortable with kindness or affection, and generally just difficult to be around. Day after day, with a lead weight in his heart, Shiro saw him regressing to the same state he had been in so many years before, stubbornly unwilling to let anyone in or open his heart to the people who cared for him. It had taken Shiro months of hard work before Keith truly trusted him, and even longer before it became easy to pull out Keith’s smiles and warm demeanor.

At least then, he understood why Keith was so aggressively defensive. He had been through a lot of horrible things after and including his father’s death. The difference this time was that Shiro had no idea what could have caused the change. It was hard trying to adapt to a new way of being around Keith — touch was how they communicated, and without that connection, Shiro found it difficult to understand what Keith was feeling — but Keith had silently set a boundary, and Shiro wasn’t willing to cross it, no matter how much it broke his heart to see Keith pulling away.

When they finally had a day off at the same time a couple of weeks after Keith’s return, Shiro bribed him for his time by offering hover bikes and milkshakes and a movie in his quarters, just like old times.

“Something stupid?” Keith tentatively asked of the movie.

“Of course,” Shiro said with a soft smile. It was more enthusiasm than Keith had mustered for anything they’d done together so far, and he was happy to oblige. It felt good to get even a small semblance of normalcy back into their relationship.

They made their way to the hangar where they kept their bikes (Shiro had bought them both with his first official paycheck as Captain of the Atlas). It always felt a little weird to be in civilian clothes after a long string of days in uniform, but it was nice to see Keith looking slightly more relaxed. He had a new leather jacket that he had splurged and bought for himself after the war. It suited him nicely. His hair was pulled back in a very non-regulation ponytail, but then, Keith had never been one to strictly adhere to the dress code, even as a cadet with his floppy head of unruly hair and his always slightly wrinkled uniform.

It had been a handful of months since they’d been able to go out and just have fun together without having to answer to anyone. Shiro desperately hoped that maybe the uncomfortable distance between them was just due to their extended time apart, and that if he kept persisting, Keith would eventually soften to his affection again. It was selfish, maybe, but he loved Keith more than anyone and would be absolutely lost without him, in more ways than one.

Shiro watched Keith fumble with his gear. He’d been doing that more often since Keith got home — watching him, taking note of his posture and body language, searching for anything that might explain his sudden reticence. He watched him zip his jacket, secure his goggles, and stow his loose belongings. His knife stayed attached to his belt. Shiro frowned.

Keith’s attachment to his knife was no secret to anyone who knew him, but he usually stowed it on their rides, for fear of losing it, and didn’t typically bring it with him on their days off together where nothing reasonably posed a threat. Keith was a good enough fighter now that he didn’t need to rely on the blade to keep him safe if a situation turned ugly. It was curious and a little upsetting that he had taken to keeping it with him at all times again, and only served to begin solidifying a half-formed idea in Shiro’s mind. He was certain now that something, though he didn’t know what, had happened to Keith on his mission. The realization was sharp and ugly and made him feel sour.

They climbed onto their bikes and took off. Even through his concern, Shiro welcomed the familiar rush of air around him as he chased Keith through winding obstacles, kicking up dirt in their wakes and picking up speed at every straight stretch of land. Normally, Shiro and Keith were pretty equally matched; even if Keith won seventy percent of the time, Shiro held the other thirty pretty solidly and gave him a run for his money in the meantime. This time, though, Keith was going fast, and Shiro was struggling behind him to get enough power out of his bike to keep up.

Damn his extra weight.

They came up on the home stretch of their usual race. It was a straight drag, nothing but speed and empty space between them and their designated finish line, when Keith suddenly made a hairpin maneuver and jerked his bike off in another direction at the last second. Shiro flew past the finish line and slammed the breaks, nearly throwing himself from his own bike if not for his ability to anticipate and correct the momentum. He whipped his head to the side and watched as Keith sped off into the distance.

Clearly, everything was not okay, and whatever hope Shiro had of things between them settling back to normal evaporated in a puff of red desert dust.

________________

“What was that all about?” Shiro asked as they pulled into the diner parking lot later that evening.

Keith continued adjusting his belongings and didn’t meet Shiro’s gaze. “What?”

“You ran off. Did you add a new leg to the race without telling me?” The attempt at lightening the mood fell flat as Keith ignored the point behind Shiro’s question.

“Just didn’t feel like stopping,” he said instead.

Shiro hummed. He was at a total loss. What could he do? He felt like he was losing his best friend, never mind the tentative romance that had been forming between them before Keith left. 

Before Shiro could ask anything else, Keith plastered on a fake smile and turned toward the entrance of their favorite diner.

“Get a move on, Shirogane. I thought you promised me a milkshake.”

Shiro swallowed down a swell of disappointment. “Yeah.” He followed Keith inside and to a booth in the back corner of the restaurant. Keith sat with his back to the wall.

The conversation flowed well as they sipped their milkshakes — Shiro’s strawberry and Keith’s chocolate malt with Oreo pieces — as long as Shiro didn’t stray too close to anything that suggested Keith might not be okay. As far as Shiro could tell, Keith was determined to pretend that everything was fine, even if he kept a noticeable distance between them at all times.

When they finished, Keith looked a little more relaxed than he had after the race. Every so often, Shiro watched as Keith’s eyes swept the area around them before returning to Shiro. It was just another thing that had changed. Keith used to keep his attention focused solely on Shiro.

More pieces of the puzzle fell into place, but not enough for him to gain a solid idea of the full picture, yet.

They left, sugared up and full on onion rings, to head back to Shiro’s place for movie night.

While Keith would normally waltz in and make himself at home, this time he waited until Shiro finished putting away his jacket, keys, and shoes and plopped himself onto the couch before taking a seat at the opposite end.

Shiro ached with the urge to pull him close. Once upon a time, he could have slung an arm across Keith’s shoulders and run his fingertips along his arm. He could have twirled a strand of Keith’s silky hair in his fingers and felt the warmth of Keith pressed against him, resting his head on Shiro’s shoulder. Although he hadn’t worked up the courage yet before Keith left, he had often imagined what it would be like to turn his head just enough to brush his lips against Keith’s temple and leave a soft kiss in his hair. Now, though, with the entire distance of the couch stretching like miles between them, he mourned what was and what could have been.

He reached for the remote and turned on the movie he had selected earlier. It was some ridiculous movie about fraternity shenanigans — something stupid, just like Keith had requested — and while he would normally have been laughing loudly along with Keith, his mind was too preoccupied to enjoy it. It didn’t help that Keith, who had become so free with his laughter around Shiro in the last couple of years, was barely chuckling when he’s normally be keeling over. The whole movie experience seemed to be uncomfortable for both of them, and by the end of it, Shiro felt even worse than he had before the day started.

“You okay?” Keith asked from his end of the couch. Shiro did his best not to scowl.

“I guess. Why?”

“Didn’t seem like you were enjoying the movie. I was just wondering if there’s something on your mind.”

Shiro shrugged. “I could ask the same of you.”

Keith averted his eyes again, just as he was doing more and more often lately.

“Guess it just wasn’t that funny.”

Shiro sighed. His heart felt heavy.

________________

The situation only grew worse over the coming weeks. Every day Shiro felt the distance between him and Keith, both physical and emotional, grow wider. It weighed heavily on him, but the more Shiro tried to bridge the gap, the farther Keith pulled away. It was frustrating and hurtful, and Shiro was becoming more and more sure that he had done something to push Keith away. Maybe he had read everything wrong. Maybe Keith was never interested in him romantically, or maybe he had been once upon a time and wasn’t anymore, but it was clear that he no longer wanted their relationship to change in that way.

It was a tough realization to come to grips with, but Shiro had promised himself a long time ago that he would only ever take what Keith willingly offered and never push for more.

However, that didn’t make it any less painful, and he found himself pulling away, too, to try to ward off some of the heartbreak that he was beginning to experience every time he was in Keith’s presence.

It didn’t get any easier when talks of the annual Garrison Ball (a new tradition established after the unification of the universe) began to circulate. Cadets walked by him in the halls, buzzing with gossip and fresh information about crushes and who wanted to ask whom. His fellow officers discussed bringing their spouses or finding a sitter for their kids, for those who had families, or whether they’d rather go alone and dip out whenever they felt like it or bring a date and hope it went well, for those who were single. A few times, people tried to ask Shiro his feelings on the whole thing, but they stopped asking after the fourth of fifth time when he snapped at a poor Lieutenant who had been happily chatting away about finally having an excuse to ask out someone they’d always had their eye on. After that, everyone pretty much got the message that the Ball was a sore subject for their great Admiral.

Before Keith had left, Shiro had had big plans of confessing his feelings to Keith and beginning their life together. One of the things that went along with that fantasy was bringing Keith to the Ball as his date — a real date, not just a date “as friends” or in a group with other, better-established couples. Now, though, he knew that was nothing but a pipe dream. Keith wouldn’t want to go with him as a couple, and Shiro wasn’t sure he had it in him at this point to go as just friends. With the way Keith was acting, Shiro wasn’t even sure if Keith would want to go at all.

Days came and passed, and they spent less time together than before. Through the heartache and bitterness, Shiro still worried. Something had happened, and Shiro didn’t know how to fix it. Something had made Keith into a different person, a shadow of his former self, more standoffish and reticent than Shiro had ever known him.

When the evening of the Ball finally came, Shiro couldn’t deny his foul mood. He wanted to be there with his best friend, damn it. He wanted to be with the man he loved. He wanted to be with him, wanted to be loved by him, and he felt rotten to the core that he had somehow managed to mess up yet another relationship without even knowing how. Keith was supposed to be the one person with whom he could be free and happy, and now, even that was out of reach.

He arrived on time. The room was filling quickly with young, fresh-faced cadets, new Garrison graduates, new officers with something to prove, and old officers bee-lining for the cash bar. Shiro caught up with Iverson, half finished drink already in hand.

“Mitch,” he greeted.

“Shirogane,” came the reply.

They didn’t say much else for a few moments as Shiro swept his gaze across the room. He felt old, despite being not even thirty years old. He remembered with bittersweet nostalgia how excited he used to be for events like balls and other formals. He and Adam had gone to three together before Adam decided they could use those nights for some much needed alone time, and after that had been Kerberos, then the war, and then an eternity of dancing around whatever thing had been developing between him and Keith.

Iverson broke the silence first. “Can’t remember the last time I actually wanted to be at one of these things.”

Shiro huffed out a laugh that he hoped didn’t sound as bitter as it felt. “I can.”

“Don’t want to be here today, Shirogane?”

Shiro shrugged. “Wanted to when I didn’t think I’d be here alone.”

Iverson only grunted in response. Shiro didn’t fault him; he didn’t expect Iverson to provide any kind of comfort for a problem he felt wasn’t his to comment on. That was fair. Iverson had never been the warm and fuzzy type, no matter how good of a guy he was.

They drank together in silence for a while until Iverson nodded and walked away with a dismissive grunt, depositing his empty glass on a black catering tray at the periphery of the ballroom. Shiro sighed, emptied his own glass, and wandered back toward the bar to get another.

The other paladins were supposed to be there at some point, though he wasn’t sure when. He still cared for them like family, but it became more difficult to spend time together and stay in touch when everyone was scattered across all different corners of the universe. Plus, he and Keith had both been incredibly busy with their own missions and duties, and Shiro elected to spend any available free time with Keith whenever possible. Until now, anyway.

Just as he was thinking about him again (or still, as was more likely the case — Keith was on Shiro’s mind nearly 24/7 recently), the man in question walked through the door. He wore his Senior Blade uniform rather than his Garrison red paladin uniform or more civilian formal attire like many of the other patrons from Earth. It fit him like a glove — no, like a second skin — hugging his thighs and showing off the sinfully alluring contrast between the broad stretch of his shoulders and his narrow waist.

With a frustrated huff, he forced himself to look away. If Keith didn’t want that kind of attention from him, Shiro had no right to ogle him.

Instead, he watched as Keith drifted through the crowd to greet representatives from countless planets. He seemed to be alone, too, and while confident and cordial, not at all at ease. It was obvious in the tensed lines of muscle, visible through the skin-tight suit. Shiro frowned. Keith was always so tense. It had been weeks, more than two months since he’d come home from the mission that changed everything, and still he was tense every day.

Keith looked over after a few minutes as Shiro pouted into this drink, but didn’t join him. Shiro tried his best not to scowl and sought company in someone — anyone — else. Veronica was usually a solid option for good conversation, so he gravitated toward her. She was already engaged fully in conversation with the MFEs, arguing playfully with Griffin about something while Leifsdottir and Rizavi occasionally interjected, and Kinkade and Acxa watched in amusement. He felt a little better already just having approached the group. A little bit of levity might do him some good.

He didn’t pay too much attention to what they were talking about, happy to just soak in the atmosphere. Occasionally his eyes would inevitably wander over to wherever Keith was in the room, but he rarely found Keith looking back. It pissed him off as much as it hurt him. Even if there was no future for them together, he had expected Keith to still be his best friend. Maybe that was foolish, but then again, maybe it wasn’t.

“No, seriously, it’s a medically proven fact,” Veronica said as Shiro tuned back into the conversation.

“Bullshit!” Griffin cried, then glanced around sheepishly to see that none of his superiors or important diplomats had heard. “There’s absolutely no mathematical legitimacy to that statistic.”

“How would you know?”

“Because.”

“Because why, Griffin? Or can you not debunk my claim?”

“Do you even have research to back it up?!”

Shiro chuckled. Griffin was surprisingly easy to bait, and Veronica could argue with a straight face for as long as necessary. He’d found that out the hard way, once.

“Scared I’m right?” Veronica taunted.

Griffin balked. “Why would I be scared? It’s obviously not true.”

“No? Well if you’re so sure, why don’t you test yourself?”

“Fine!” Griffin rolled his eyes and splayed his fingers in front of his face. “Happy?”

“Nuh-uh, for it to be accurate, you have to fully cover your face. Palm to nose.”

Griffin did as he was told, huffing all the while. “Better?”

Although Shiro knew what was going to happen, he still laughed along with the others when Veronica pushed Griffin’s hand into his face.

“Hey!”

Veronica and Rizavi cackled as James rubbed his smushed nose. Behind them, Shiro heard Kinkade explaining the joke in low tones to Acxa.

Once again, Shiro allowed his eyes to roam the room in search of Keith. When he found him, his laughter halted immediately. He was clearly being accosted by an... overly friendly guest, which was nothing new; but where normally Keith would have been all bark and some bite toward anyone making unwanted advances, now he was seemingly shrinking into himself, posture rigid and closed off where he was crowded against the wall.

The alarm bells blared louder than ever in the back of Shiro’s mind, and at once he forgot the stalemate that had evolved between them and excused himself from his current group to make his way over to Keith.

The man towered over him, taller than Shiro by at least a head as far as he could tell, and even as Shiro made his way over, huddled Keith even closer to the wall. When he was close enough, Shiro could see the glazed look in Keith’s eyes. His mind was clearly somewhere else, his face carefully blanked and his posture closed off but limp. Shiro never saw Keith like this — afraid. Keith was afraid of the man. And while the man was definitely coming on strong, he didn’t look particularly threatening.

With shocking clarity, the last piece fell into place.

Shiro felt his vision go red as he closed the remaining steps between himself and Keith. He shoved the man away from Keith by the shoulder, probably more roughly than necessary, and didn’t feel a twinge of guilt at the shocked expression on his face.

“Is there a problem here?” he snarled.

The man put up his hands defensively and backed away. “No problem,” he replied, and turned on his heel and left.

Keith was silent where he still stood against the wall. The faraway look was still in his eyes. Shiro’s stomach lurched. If he wasn’t so preoccupied with getting Keith somewhere comfortable, he probably would have been sick.

“Keith,” he called. “It’s Shiro. Can you hear me?”

Keith said nothing, but his unfocused eyes floated up to Shiro’s face.

“It’s just me, Keith. I’m going to touch you now, okay?”

He nodded and allowed Shiro to lead him out of the room by the elbow. It was the most contact they’d had in weeks.

Once they were outside, away from the noise and surrounded by fresh air, Keith shook himself out of his head. He looked up at Shiro with pain in his eyes, and Shiro had to force himself not to push away the hair hanging in front of his face.

“Sorry,” Keith mumbled. Anger flared within Shiro, swift and unjustified, but he tried not to let it show. Judging by the way Keith pulled away, he hadn’t succeeded.

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Keith,” he said, firmly but gently. “Are you okay?”

Keith shrugged. “Fine.”

“That’s obviously not true.”

“Then why even ask?” Keith snapped.

Shiro sighed. “Keith...” He trailed off. The silence between them stretched until it became strained and uncomfortable. There was so much Shiro wanted to say, but he couldn’t find the words. He knew Keith and understood the situation well enough now that he knew it needed to be approached delicately. It wasn’t the time to get into it, not after Keith’s recent upset.

“I miss you,” he said instead. “I really miss you, Keith. This distance between us... It sucks, okay? It hurts. You’re my best friend, above all else. And I just... Fuck, I just miss you so much, and I wish you’d stop pushing me away.”

Keith sniffed. His silence hurt more than any breakup in Shiro’s past. No matter what he did, Keith kept slipping away.

“Please,” he begged. “Please don’t leave me by myself like this. I need you, Keith.”

“Don’t say that,” Keith said through gritted teeth. “You don’t.”

Shiro’s fingers ached to touch. God, how had things become the way they were? Why did life always kick them, kick Keith, every time things started looking up?

“I do,” he insisted. “I need my best friend. I need you, no matter how I can have you. If you don’t want me, that’s okay. I won’t ever touch you again if it hurts you. I will never, ever hurt you. I just need to have you in my life. Even if I have to beg you to be here.”

“Shiro, don’t—”

“Keith—”

“NO!”

Before Shiro could even begin to register the tear rolling down and over the scar on Keith’s cheek, Keith had already turned around and disappeared, leaving Shiro even more miserable and alone than before.

________________

It was another few long, grueling days before Shiro heard from Keith again. Keith hadn’t so much as shown up for work. Shiro was on the verge of giving up, resigned to the fact that Keith’s trauma had opened a chasm between them too large to cross, unsure what to do and afraid of ruining things even more, when he got a message from Keith.

I’m sorry.

Shiro’s heart leapt into his throat as he scrambled to reply. Me too. You okay?

Meet up today? 5:00 old spot?

I’ll be there.

It was impossible to concentrate throughout the rest of the day. It was the first time Keith had reached out since he got home from his awful trip — the trip that Shiro now understood much more about and still made his blood boil just thinking about it.

Someone on that mission had hurt Keith — really hurt him — and if Shiro ever saw them, he wouldn’t hesitate to tear them apart.

He reached the spot before Keith. Admittedly, he was a little nervous, looking out over the cliffside while he waited, that Keith might not come after all. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Keith or that Keith had ever blown him off before, but things had been bad lately, and he wasn’t exactly sure in what state he’d find Keith today.

But, as promised, Keith showed up at exactly five o’clock, wind whipping through his hair as he approached, dirt billowing up around him as he came to a quick and flashy stop. Shiro grinned. It was so much like the Keith he was used to, it almost made him ache.

“You came,” he said as Keith dismounted and strolled over to where Shiro was sitting.

“I said I would.”

“I know.”

Keith smiled shyly down at him before taking his place on the ground by Shiro’s side. It was a small, tight, tentative thing, but it was a smile no less.

Although there was still space between them, it didn’t feel as insurmountable as before. The conversation began slowly. Shiro did most of the talking, catching Keith up on things he wanted to tell him during the weeks of their time apart. Keith interjected where he felt the need and eventually began to relay stories of short missions he took with Kolivan and little messages that Krolia sent with him for Shiro (“Hope he’s well,” “Looking forward to trying more Earth food,” “The ship’s new upgrade adds a lot of speed”). They sat side by side watching the sun slowly sink down below the horizon, nothing between them and it but the cliffside and the desert mesa stretching all around them as far as the eye could see.

It was so peaceful. For the first time in a long time, Shiro felt like he could breathe. Keith was smiling, even if it was slight. He had made the effort to reach out. He had heard what Shiro said about needing his friend and taken it to heart, even while he was struggling on his own.

Shiro didn’t even realize he had reached over to take Keith’s hand until Keith was yanking it away like he’d been burned.

“Oh—”

“Stop it,” Keith hissed. He looked more upset than Shiro had seen him since the fight with the clone. Already his sclera had yellowed, pupils reduced to slits, and the hand he cradled to his chest (away from Shiro) showed pointed claw tips.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

“Shiro, when are you going to get it? We can’t be together. Stop trying to force this!”

“I wasn’t, I swear.” Shiro took a step back and raised his hands defensively. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”

The crushing weight in his stomach returned with a vengeance. His lungs struggled to pull the breaths he needed. Across from him, bathed in the golden sunset that brought out the purple of his eyes and long hair lightly blowing in the desert breeze, Keith glared at him like he was a threat.

“Keith, please. I... I know what happened to you. But you know me. I would never leave you over something like this. I would never hurt you or let you suffer alone. I can’t do that. Please. Let me be here for you.”

“You don’t know anything,” Keith snarled.

“Then help me understand! Please, Keith, talk to me! You’re my best friend. I miss you, Keith, I need you, I love you—”

“NO YOU DON’T,” Keith roared. “You can’t love me, because I’m broken, Shiro. I’m worthless. Don’t you get it?” The words came out between big, ugly sobs. “I’m no good for you. I’m just broken.”

Tears streamed down Keith’s cheeks. His chest shook with the effort to hold in his sobs, but it was fruitless. He breathed in gasping breaths and shaky exhales. He didn’t even bother to wipe his eyes, because the tears only continued to fall.

Shiro hesitated. He ached at the thought of causing Keith any more distress, but Keith had been holding it in for too long. Shiro could see it every time they crossed paths. Keith, his beautiful Keith, so strong and bright and luminous, was withering away. Shiro had waited for so long for Keith to open up to him on his own, but he wouldn’t, and Shiro didn’t know if talking about it now was the right thing to do, but it was the only idea he had left.

“Your last long term mission... Something happened to you.”

“Don’t.”

“You were hurt, weren’t you?”

Keith curled further in on himself, as if he could physically shield himself from Shiro’s words. “You saw me when I came home. You know I wasn’t.”

“You know that isn’t what I meant.” Shiro held his ground. “I saw how you reacted at the ball when that huge guy was hitting on you. It wasn’t like you.” He met Keith’s eyes as steadily as he could. That old defiance still burned in Keith’s expression even through the tears, but he could see the toll it was taking on him as he spoke, exposing his lengthened canines.

“If you have something to say, just spit it out already.”

“You were— you were raped, weren’t you?”

It came out smaller and breathier than he intended, but it hurt. His heart hurt so badly to think that someone could do that to a person as amazing and loving and selfless as Keith. That someone could even attempt to do that to Keith was already unimaginable; Keith was the strongest person Shiro knew, stronger even than himself in some ways, so whoever hurt him must have been some kind of evil bastard to find a way to overpower him.

“I—” Keith’s voice trembled over the single syllable and he snapped his mouth shut.

“I’m so sorry,” Shiro whispered. “But Keith, it wasn’t your fault. None of this is your fault. None of it.”

Keith tore his eyes away from Shiro and took another step back. “I shouldn’t have let it happen.”

His skin had taken on a violet tint, making him look more Galra than Shiro had ever seen him. Keith noticed, too. He examined his own hands for a brief moment before turning to look over the cliffside and letting out an ear-splitting angry scream.

“He was a fucking Galra, Shiro! On our ship! He could have been anyone!”

“It’s not your fault, Keith.”

“If I hadn’t let me guard down... If I hadn’t become complacent, I would have noticed—”

“It wasn’t your fault!”

“It was! It was my fault! Don’t you get it? He was a Blade under my command! I should have paid more attention! And when he managed to pin me, I didn’t—” Keith pulled in a ragged breath, wet and painful “—I didn’t even know what to do. I just... I just let him. I just let him do it.”

He held his hands out in front of him again. “And every time I see myself, I think of him. How half of me is just like him.”

“No.”

Shiro made to step closer, but Keith whirled around and stopped him.

“Get away from me!”

Shiro froze. Never, never ever, had Keith said those words to him. As taciturn and hard to pin down as he could be sometimes, he had never sent Shiro away.

“You’re nothing like him,” Shiro tried to reason. “Just because you’re Galra doesn’t mean you’re anything like him or any of the other monsters we fought against in this war. We won, Keith. We won because you led us to victory. Don’t you remember that? You were amazing. You’re the most amazing person I know. You didn’t let anything happen, Keith. That was a normal reaction. It doesn’t mean you wanted it.”

“Do you even hear yourself, Shiro? I’m Galra. I’m exactly like the people who locked you up and tortured you. Don’t you remember that? Don’t you think about it every time you use your right arm? Those people were me, Shiro. There’s nothing good about the Galra. And I’m just one of them.”

For a brief, horrible second, Shiro was furious. He felt himself bare his teeth, felt his eyes narrow and his fists clench at his side, before he saw the way Keith flinched away and cowered beneath his own hands.

He immediately softened. Always, he ached to reach out for him, but held himself back. The last time he tried to reach for Keith, Keith nearly threw himself off of the cliff to get away from him. As much as it pained him, he went against his instincts and stepped back instead. He allowed his posture to slump and his eyes to fall shut briefly before he opened them again and pinned Keith with the most honest look he could muster.

He couldn’t touch Keith physically, but maybe there was still a chance that he could touch his heart. So instead of reaching out, he began to speak.

“After the breakup with Adam,” he began. “When I felt like complete shit about everything — myself, my life, my condition, my career — when I was completely heartbroken over ending a relationship with the man I thought I was going to marry, you never treated me differently. Instead of pitying me or telling me I was right, or wrong, whatever the case may have been, you kept me busy. You never made me talk about Adam unless I wanted to. You let me do exactly what I needed to do for myself, but you always let me know that you’d be there, no matter what.

“When I got back to Earth after Kerberos, I was immediately sedated and strapped to a table. No one would listen to me. I tried so hard, I was so desperate for someone to hear me, but no one cared. They shut me up and treated me like a lab experiment rather than an actual person. You were the one who swooped in to save me. You were the one who listened and let me tell my story on my own terms.”

Keith was no longer cowering, but standing below the now dark sky, blanketed with stars, eyes fixed on Shiro’s. Shiro hoped he was listening. He desperately hoped that Keith was hearing what he wanted to convey.

“When I was lost, you never stopped looking for me. When I was actively trying to kill you, you still refused to hurt me or give up on me. I had a blade to your face and you told me you loved me. You told me you wouldn’t leave me behind. When I died, you were determined to find a way to bring me back, even when the others were sure you would fail. But you didn’t fail. You brought me back from the dead, Keith. You weren’t willing to give up what we had even in the face of death.”

Shiro felt himself choke up as he finished his speech. Keith was looking at him, eyes wide and still wet with the remnants of his tears, and Shiro knew he’d been heard.

“What’s your point, Shiro?” He sounded resigned, but Shiro could detect the tiniest upturn of Keith’s lips even as he sniffed and wiped his eyes with his sleeve.

“My point,” Shiro said, finally daring to take a step forward and internally rejoicing when Keith didn’t step away, “is that no matter what I’ve been through, you were always there. I was a gladiator in Zarkon’s arena. I killed countless people for the sake of my own survival. But even after telling you that, after being sure that you wouldn’t want anything more to do with me, you still never thought less of me. I tried to kill you — I tried to kill our whole team — and you never thought less of me. So no matter what you’ve been through, Keith, I will always feel the same way about you. I will never think less of you.”

Keith’s tears began to fall anew, and Shiro let him cry it out. “It’s not your fault,” he murmured, over and over so that Keith would begin to understand the truth. “It’s not your fault. I’m here for you, always, and when you’re ready to talk, I’ll listen. I’m always here to support you. I won’t judge you for anything, no matter the circumstances. Not ever.”

It took a long time. They stayed at the outlook for hours, until the noises of the desert had quieted and there was no light left but for the stars themselves. Eventually, Keith allowed himself get closer and seek out the comfort he’d been denying both himself and Shiro for so long. They sat together, side by side, as Keith cried way his demons for the first time since everything had happened.

Finally, just before dawn began to break, Keith let himself confide in his best friend. “It just feels like I’ve had something taken away. It feels like I don’t have autonomy over my body anymore. If I was weak enough to let that happen, how can I possibly be good enough for you?”

Shiro reached out a tentative hand to wipe Keith’s tears, and Keith let him. “Keith,” he said, as seriously as possible so that Keith would listen. “You are not weak. You are the strongest person I have ever known. And there is no one in this entire fucking universe who is better than you.”

Keith sniffed again but nodded, small smile reemerging once more.

When Keith felt well enough to make the trip back to the base, they both went back to Shiro’s quarters to rest. “I just don’t want to be alone,” Keith confided at Shiro’s worry. “It used to be so easy between us, before all of this. I miss that. I just want us to be normal.”

They sat together on the couch, not saying much but enjoying the closeness they’d both sorely missed. Eventually, Shiro felt his eyelids droop as he began to nod off. When he caught himself, he shook himself awake first and then Keith, gently, to ask if he’d like to go back to his own room.

“No,” Keith murmured. “I just want to stay with you. I missed you so much. I just want to stay.”

“Of course.”

Shiro rose and began to pull out sheets and blankets for the couch, ready to spend a night there so that Keith could sleep soundly in his bed, but Keith refused. Tentatively, Keith reached out a hand to take Shiro’s and lead him over to the bed. “Is it okay?” he asked, big purple eyes imploring. “If we share?”

“I’m not sure,” Shiro honestly replied. “Is that really what’s best for you now? After everything you’ve been through?”

“It is. I just want to feel normal again. Please, Shiro.”

Shiro agreed, though nervous and hesitant, and did his best to keep his distance beneath the sheets. The sun had risen by the time they made it into bed, and Shiro was exhausted down to his bones, but the restlessness of having Keith in his bad after so much time apart kept him awake.

Eventually, as they both lay rigid on their backs beside each other, Keith breached the distance between them to clasp Shiro’s hand firmly in his.

“I’m sorry I freaked out on you earlier,” he whispered. Shiro turned to tell him not to be ridiculous, but Keith continued, “And I’m sorry for making you feel like I didn’t want you.”

“You never have to apologize for how you feel, Keith,” Shiro assured.

“Did you mean what you said earlier? That you love me?”

“Yes. Of course I meant it.”

Keith turned his head to meet Shiro’s gaze, already fixated on Keith. “But when you say you love me—”

“Keith.”

Keith huffed. “I just wanted to be sure.”

Shiro turned onto his side and reached out tentatively, wanting to brush the hair from Keith’s face so he could look directly into his eyes while they talked.

Keith gave him a little nod, so Shiro let his fingers trail gingerly across his cheek as he moved the long hair out of Keith’s eyes. Keith closed his eyes for a moment, and when he opened them again, he smiled.

“Be sure, then.” Shiro said. “Because there is no one else I will ever love more than I love you. I want to be with you, when you’re ready, if you want to be with me, too.”

“Of course I want to be with you,” Keith whispered. “I’ve always wanted to be with you. I thought you knew that.”

“I hoped,” Shiro murmured back. “So I’m here, Keith. Any time you’re ready. Take your time, because I will always be here.”

Keith snuggled in closer, and Shiro welcomed him with open arms.

“Take your time,” he assured again before leaning down to place a soft, sweet kiss on Keith’s forehead. “I’m yours.”


End file.
